The Real Life Way to Lose

I'm going to let you in on a little secret that I've recently discovered. The solution to weight loss lies not in fancy diets or gimmicks (as if you didn't already know that), but rather something less obvious- being poor.

Ok, I'm only kidding. Well, sort of. But as I sit here at the desk in my office, with everyone else out to lunch or eating at their desks, I can't help but think that I might be on to something here.

So, I'm not exactly "poor"- about as poor as any other yet-to-be-employed recent college grad. But saddled with an out-of-state unpaid internship, the majority of my weekend mall job pay is quickly chiseled away by gas, gas and more gas...and sometimes parking.

As I've mentioned before, I'm lucky to have the support of my parents, in addition to my wonderful aunt and uncle with whom I've been staying each week while I intern. Still though, I've gotten to the point where I feel uncomfortable asking for help from my family. Sure, they'd be more than willing to help, but shouldn't I be beyond this by now? After all, my sister got a job a month after she graduated last year. She's not asking for handouts, so why should I? It's safe to say I don't want to be looked at as the failure child. I know, I know...I only just graduated a few months ago. But with no job prospects in sight (other than the measley $40 per article freelance jobs that I've been racking up), it's beginning to get frusterating.

And that brings me here. While down here interning, I've been eating one big meal a day on average. Lately I've been skipping lunch in favor of waiting to get home to my aunt and uncles, where the food is free. I'm lucky to have an uncle who feels he's a gourmet chef (and the dinners that he cooks back up that theory). Last night I even discovered a new-found love for Squash. However, I can't help but get jealous upon seeing my co-workers flock to the Whole Foods every day for their lunch hour. And all jokes aside, I know that joining them would be healthier than waiting until dinner-time to gorge myself.

Oh student loans/car payment/gas/everything.else.i.waste.money.on...why can't you just pay yourselves??!

Last Night = Date Night

It's times like these when my excitement and general giddiness get the best of me and I feel the need to just delve right in, rather than offering up a fancy intro.

Last night I went out for the first time with A*, a seemingly nice/normal guy whom I've been talking to for the past few weeks. We started out bowling and went from there to a nearby diner. My best friend says that I should have worn a poodle skirt, since we apparently felt the need to channel the 1950's so much. Given the obvious first date awkwardness, overall the night went great. Conversation flowed and I felt at ease. At the end of the night, we both agreed that a good time was had by all, and we would need to do it again. The evening was sealed with a goodnight kiss outside of my car, next to a bustling Rt. 30 intersection.

A simple enough night with a simple enough ending, it really made me think of how much preparation, nerves and thought actually go into seemingly "simple" dates. (I'm done using the word simple now, promise).

How many shirts were taken out of the closet, tried on, discarded on the floor. How many nail polish colors were considered. Touching up overgrown dye-job roots at midnight the night before. Doing a comfort test-run of which heels to wear. Agonizing over which jeans to wear. Does my butt look ok in them? Will he still like me when he sees that I'm not a stick? All of this superficial anxiety and worry, for one guy. It's exhausting!

Luckily, I was much more laid back about this date, as opposed to ones in my past. Rather than putting so much stock into it, I realized that if nothing else, there would inevitably be something funny about the date to make for a good story later. I ended up dressing low-key but classy, wearing my dark skinny jeans with a black flowy top and black bow heels from H&M.

And I'm pleased to report that the night was a success. Still, I don't want to get ahead of myself until plans are actually confirmed for a second date. We'll see what happens I guess. :)

Mind Your Own Beeswax! Is That Too Much to Ask For Anymore?

I just got off the phone with my mother and I'm infuriated! Apparently her neighbor, and so-called good friend, made a comment to her about the roundness of her stomach earlier today. Something to the extent of, "Well, apparently you didn't lose all of baby weight after having your daughter."

Great. Here we go again.

Now, if you've read my earlier entries on here, you will remember that my mother has struggled with eating disorders since her college days. Lately though, she' s been doing great. Although she's far from overweight, she has added a few healthy pounds to her frame in the last few months. Still though, I would estimate her weight at no more than 120 lbs, which is still pretty darn thin for a 5"6, soon to be 54-year-old women!

I have to worry that this comment will trigger some sort of regression. After all, the woman still weighs herself at least twice a day.

I'm sure it was an innocent enough comment that the aforementioned neighbor wouldn't have said had she known my mom's history. Still though, that begs me to wonder, why do some people feel that they have the right to openly judge and critique others for how they look? We've all been there before. The feeling of being watched while shopping for clothes, eating food, even just looking at food!

A few weeks ago I was at an open-air market near my house, when I spotted a gorgeous flowy, white top that I had to get a closer look at. As I inspected the top and searched for a price tag, I was immediately bombarded by the woman running the stand. "Oh don't worry, that will fit you. These fit everyone, even larger girls like you," she exclaimed, as if she were doing me a favor, rather than offering me an unsolicited reminder that I have a ways to go before reaching my goal. Needless to say, I did not get the top. As we were walking away, I complained to my stepmother about the backhanded comment made by the woman. She simply shrugged her shoulders and said, "Well, what do you expect?"

Was I being too sensitive about the market lady? I know that my anger towards the neighbor's comment is justified. The last thing a former anorexic/bulimic needs is to hear a comment about their weight.

But is it really too much to ask that someone you don't know would just keep their mouth shut? After all, I would have never dreamed of saying to market lady that her outfit made her look as if she had stepped out of a 1980's Florida retirement home...

New Summer Workout: Weeding?

I've discovered that I enjoy weeding.

Yes, you read that correctly. I've never exactly been an "outdoor" kinda gal, to put it lightly.

My best friend still laughs about the time we took a hike in the woods behind her house back in high school and I had to take off my shoes and claw my way up a steep muddy hill because I kept sliding down. All while having a near panic attack because it was getting dark and I heard raccoons (the raccoons, in fact, turned out to be her trying to scare me). That being said, one could conclude that gardening, of all things, wouldn't exactly be my cup of tea.

As a kid, our neighbor once paid me $60 to weed an island in his yard. I made it about halfway through and that was the end of it. I hated it. Lately though, I've been having a change of heart.

For starters, weeding can be kind of therapeutic in a way. I'm finding it sort of relaxing. Taking your time, nowhere to be, no need to rush. Just go at your own pace. Something we could all use more of nowadays.

Another benefit? Free sun! I gave up tanning beds for good about a year or so ago and have since been relying on tanning lotions. As great as some are though, they just don't compare to the real thing. Sure, we all know that real sunlight can be just as damaging as the bed, but with protection, a little bit of rays can be healthy for everyone. I'm a girl who likes to lay out in the summer (yes, I know, bad girl). But unless I'm at the beach or pool, I get bored and barely make it a half hour. If you're outside doing something active though, it's pretty difficult to get bored. Plus, no need to keep switching sides like when you're laying out!

So, all of this being said, I was curious as to how many calories a serious weeder can burn. I mean come on, all that squatting, crawling, bending your body into weird pretzel like shapes (well, if you have steep and uneven land like ours), its gotta do something good for ya, right?

According to Glamour Magazine's Body By Glamour, vigorous gardening can burn up to 500 calories an hour! That's just about as much as you could do on any gym cardio machine. And if you think about it, even if you work at a moderate or slow pace, you're still guaranteed to burn at least a hundred calories.

Let's hope I don't ruin the parents' landscaping with this new hobby.

So I'm curious, , since it is summer, the season for being outdoors, are you a gym rat, or do you prefer taking your workout outside?

What Kind of Music Do You Work Out to?

In honor of the 4th of July creeping up on us later this week, my spinning instructor decided to make the class "patriotic-themed" this morning. Who would have thought one could find so much "America" music to bike to?

According to said instructor, those of us who have never experienced biking to "classical marches" are missing out on the fun of it. Admittedly, some of the marches weren't too bad, and actually did get my heart racing. As much as I love my country though, I'm not sure how I feel about trying to break a sweat to "This Land is Your Land."

I find it easier to work out to more contemporary, upbeat tunes, so I was pretty stoked when Destiny's Child's "Jumpin'" somehow make its way onto the playlist. The instructor, not so much.

My gym playlist consists of everything from Green Day to Britney Spears. Red Jumpsuit Apparatusus to N'Sync. Daddy Yankee to Third Eye Blind. Embarrassingly enough, my favorite album to work out to is the soundtrack from A Night at the Roxbury. One of these days, I'm afraid I'll start bobbing my head like a Butabi brother when "What is Love" comes on. Next to bad 90's club music, I enjoy the Mamma Mia! soundtrack as well. Who would have guessed that Abba could get your blood flowing so much? Not me, for one.


How about you guys...what's your favorite music to get moving to? Any guilty pleasures? Please share...I'm always looking for new stuff to put on my I-Pod!

Great Style at Every Size

As a truck-stop waitress, it's safe to say I get asked some pretty random, if not disturbing at times, questions.

From the ever-popular, "Are you on the menu?" (Ummm yeah sir, gonna go vomit, will be right back to take your order), to the even weirder, "Have you ever heard of dog jaw?" (What does that even mean?), at the end of the day, I'm never at a loss for stories to tell my friends.

However the most common, and thankfully more normal, question that I get is, "Are you working here to pay for college?" My answer is usually the same: "No, I'm working here to pay for my shopping addiction." Of course, I'm only kidding (well, for the most part). But in truth, I am lucky to have a job that not only pays the few bills that I have (thanks Mom and Dad!), but also allows me to put a little aside to save, go out when I want to, and partake in one of my favorite hobbies...shopping.

Although I do enjoy "getting my fash on" (ha, get it? ok, lame joke), everyone knows that isn't always the easiest for those of us who are...ahem...thicker then the rest. Many stores only carry trendy clothes in smaller sizes, leaving the rest of us to choose from frump, frumpier and frumpiest. As a result, many bigger women seem to "give up" on their appearance all together. Of course, I'm not putting every overweight women into this category (umm, hellllo!). Still though, many women "settle" for whatever they feel makes them less invisible. Whether it be walking through campus, going to the store, even taking public transportation, I can't tell you how many girls my age I see dressing like women 20, even 30 years older than they are. Maybe they don't have the time, confidence, or even money to put in the effort. Maybe they just don't care. But all of them should know that there are options out there. It is possible to look good and feel good about yourself at the same time.

Despite being on a college student's budget, I've become a master of putting together great outfits at even greater prices. Such great prices, in fact, that my stepmom would be proud. And when it comes to me spending money, she's rarely proud. It's all a matter of knowing where to shop, and what works best with your body, complexion, and hair color.

What works best for me? I'd say my personal style is a mix of feminine, chic and classic pieces, all of which can be interchanged amongst other items in my closet. I'm on a college student's budget, therefore I only buy items that can be adapted to each season, i.e. a sleeveless dress that can be paired with a cardigan for fall, or sweater for winter. My favorite colors are darker greys, and I do own plenty of them, as I've found them to really compliment my blond hair color and dark eyes.

I'm addicted to wearing dresses over leggings and dark skinny jeans. All of my dresses I've gotten for less than $30 on http://www.forever21.com/. Classy and functional, this is my
go-to look for not only day, but going out at night as well, as the dresses can easily be taken up a notch with black tights and heels. Sure, ordering online is always a risk, as far as fit goes. I've had plenty of no-fits, which in turn resulted in plenty of returns. However, being that the nearest Forever 21 isn't exactly in close proximity to my university, it's a risk I'm willing to take. I've had plenty of successes, such as the one pictured, which happens to be a favorite of mine. One hint that I've found though? Make sure that the dresses are over 33" long. That way they are flowy and comfortable enough, without you feeling the constant need to tug on your top. BTW...Forever 21 will be debuting their new plus size line, Faith 21 on May 1! Who's excited? This girl right here!

All of my leggings, I've picked up at Walmart and Target for under $8. My favorite are the Danskin ones (which can be seen in my first post), as these ones are thick enough to keep you warm and also can be pulled up for somewhat of a tummy control.

I always told myself that when I lost 30 lbs, I'd buy myself a pair of skinny jeans. However, one day at the end of last summer, I caved and bought some anyway. The result? One of the best fashion decisions I've ever made. Why should you have to wait until you're thinner to do something? Why should we constantly be looking towards the future? You are beautiful the way you are now, and if a pair of pants can make you feel better about yourself, then you should damn well work them. Prior to last summer, I had never even considered wearing skinny jeans, let alone trying them on. After all, skinny jeans are for skinny people, right? Wrong. My skinny jeans are the most comfortable and flattering jeans I've ever owned. The dark, almost black, color works to slenderize less than tiny legs and the ankle fit puts the focus on your shoes as well, rather than just your legs. No, I've never studied fashion. No, I've never worked in fashion. These are just amateur observations made by an everyday skinny jean devotee. No, not every pair of skinny jeans is flattering. The darker the better. The stretchier the better. I swear by my 4 (yes I'll admit it) pairs of Xhilaration jeans that I got from Target. Not only are they comfortable, but versatile as well (can ya tell I'm big on versatility?). During the day, I'll often wear them with my Chuck Taylors or black flats. At night, I wear them with heels. Another advantage of dark color is that it can be easily dressed up. And the best part?? Only $20 at Target!

No, that's not the greatest picture of my jeans...bad lighting combined with my lack of touch-up skills . But you get the idea.

Many times, all it takes is a few key accessories to pick up an outfit. Some that I rely on?

Pashminas- so inexpensive, yet they ad a touch of polish to anything. Oddly enough, if they're worn right, I've found them to be pretty slenderizing as well. I'm pretty conservative when it comes to color, so I only own the basic black, ivory, and one black and grey pashmina. They have a million colors out there, however these three go with any outfit and any color scheme. One of my biggest things is owning pieces that I can mix and match.

Cardigans- I love the old grandpa-style ones. Everyday I wear them over sleeveless dresses and shirts to camouflage my less-than-toned arms. My favorites? Grey ones from Target and H&M. Grey really goes with almost anything.

Black Ballerina Flats- so simple, yet so classic. Whether wearing them with jeans or leggings, they make any outfit more girly and feminine.

Here's one of my favorite outfits I've created. And pretty inexpensive to boot! I found the dress on the clearance rack for $19 at Target, the cardigan for about $20 at H&M, the boots for $30 at Forever 21, and the scarf for only 4 euros from a street vendor in Italy.

Some recent finds?

This great shirt, which I bought at the Gap the other day for $18. I couldn't resist...next to grey, purple is my favorite color.

Love these pants...chic and classic enough to wear for upcoming (hopefully...) interviews, and on sale for $36! Also from Gap.
Contrary to what media outlets, people in your life, even passerby tell you, it is possible to look good at any size. The key is knowing what works for your body. Not everything that works for me will work for someone else, and vice versa. However, the one rule that stays the same for everyone is that you can't wear something that you feel uncomfortable in. If you feel uncomfortable, what's the point of wearing it? Last but not least, when you find something that works for you, stick with it. It's always best to go with classic, rather than trendy pieces. There's plenty of options out there that will make you feel feminine, comfortable and confident in yourself. Why settle for less than you deserve? Experimenting is the key to knowing.

A Brief History of Me.

If yo-yo dieting were a sport, I'd take the cake (pun intended). I've been on diets practically my entire life. As a kid, I wasn't obese, just a little bit bigger than all of my friends. I was the first one to reach my growth spurt, therefore I was the tallest out of my peers until everyone else caught up, and/or surpassed me (I've since leveled out at 5"5). I was always active too...I think I've tried every sport/dance class/activity at least once. My problem was always with food.

For as long as I can remember, my mother has suffered from eating disorders. Anorexia, Bulimia, you name it. I think it started sometime around college for her. Being the daughter of my grandfather...one of the most critical and, at times, unpleasant voices to be around...she felt the constant need to be perfect. My parents split when I was about 4, mostly due to my mother's mounting problems, including an increasing alcohol habit.

I've always been close with my mother. Despite her problems, I know that she loves me more than she loves herself. However, she hasn't always been the easiest person to be around. My dad couldn't take it anymore. The constant criticism, nagging, anxiety, denial of any problem whatsoever. You can't blame someone for wanting to get out of that. The bad started to overshadow any good.

Despite the divorce though, my dad has continued to be the best dad I could ever ask for. After the divorce, he moved about 5 hours away for a job, but every month, he flew me down to see him for the weekend. That's where my love of flying and (oddly enough) airports came from. I began flying by myself when I was about 7. My mom, or grandparents, would take me to the airport and watch me get on the plane (the good old days when you could get through security sans ticket). The pilot or flight attendant would come and get me for boarding, show me around the cockpit, take me to my seat. I met a lot of interesting people that way, one of which was a middle aged mother who I became pen pals with for a few years...she would send me different gifts and pictures for holidays and such. Anyway, after the flight landed, I'd wait until everyone de-boarded, then the flight attendant would come and get me. As I walked down the steps of the plane and onto the tarmac, I could see my family waiting for me in the window. After awhile it became routine. I loved it.

My dad re-married when I was about 7 as well, and I was lucky enough to inherit my stepmother, stepsister, and stepbrother. None of which I consider step. I consider my stepmother a real mother, as she has been there for me throughout my entire life. And my siblings are blood siblings without all the fighting and rivalry (well, for the most part). My dad sure picked em well. I couldn't tell you why, but as a kid, and even still today, my dad has always been sort of a hero to me. Between him and my stepmom, they were always the stable parents. The normal family life that every kids wants. Even to this day, I value my dad's opinion probably more than anyone else's.

Like I said before though, despite her problems, I've always been close with my mother. I've lived with her my entire life. We've had our fair share of ups and downs...trust me, plenty of downs...but through it all, we've remained intact. My mother loves with her whole heart and wants nothing more than everyone around her to be happy and content, even if that means she is not. To this day, I feel that she's still trying to make up for the mistakes she made while I was growing up.

Throughout my entire existence, I've known my mother to have issues with food. When I was a kid, she would take me out to different all-you-can-eat buffets and restaurants, sometimes multiple nights a week. As a kid, I just thought that she was treating us to dinner, nothing more. I ignored how many times she consecutively went to the bathroom throughout the meal. I ignored coming home to hear her throwing up in the bathroom. I ignored pitchers of vomit in the kitchen sink. To anyone, that would sound like an obvious and at times disgusting problem. But when you're a kid, and that's what you're used to seeing, it almost becomes natural, or you become oblivious. They don't educate you on eating disorders in elementary school. At least not in the early 90's. I just thought my mom was sick, or had to go to the bathroom, nothing more. She would take us to these restaurants and encourage me to eat with her, as if she had an allie, or maybe trying to convince herself that it was normal. Either way, I was just happy to be going out, rather than staying in. It wasn't until 6th or 7th grade that I realized what was going on. By then, I had heard the terms anorexia and bulimia, so I was pretty mortified when I heard the rumor at school that "Rebecca's mom is bulimic". I guess that's when I really accepted it.

Throughout this entire time, my mother was also heavy into a drinking problem. Although, once again, I didn't realize it was a problem. Thinking back, it was like 2 knives at once. Many times, on the way home from dinner, we would stop at the beer distributor so she could get her cases. I remember it like it was yesterday. Milwaukee Best. Sierra Nevada. You name it. Even when she started getting mean, I didn't associate it with the alcohol. My mother had a great job as an 8th grade English teacher at one of the best public schools in western Pennsylvania. She was beautiful and had plenty of friends. On weekends, she sang in a well-known blues band made up of other teachers, playing at fairs and festivals in the area. She surely couldn't have an alcohol and eating problem, right? Wrong. When my mother drank, she was mean. Not physical, just verbally mean. Insults were thrown around like candy at a parade. Mean insults. Mostly about my weight, calling me a "fat cow", and "worthless", among other, worse things, that I've seemingly blocked out. My mother was verbally abusive, however it was only when she drank. When she didn't drink, she was caring, doting, and everything you would want in a mother. Alcohol was the third person in our relationship. She would yell at me and call me names about my weight, yet the next night we would be at a buffet, with her telling me to eat more and get our money's worth. It was like a bad cycle.

I don't blame my mother for all of my eating problems, but I do blame her for some. Sure, I'm responsible for what goes into my mouth, and I'm responsible for having self-control, however it's a scientific fact that the habits you learn as a child stick with you for life. And those habits have proven hard to break.

I don't have a thyroid problem or anything like that. I know what the problem is. The problem is me. I know that I can successfully lose weight. I've done it plenty of times. My problem is sticking with it. Sticking with it after the initial 20-30 pounds are dropped. Sticking with it after I screw up one day. Sticking with it after I screw up one weekend. Just sticking with it. Period.

But enough is enough. It's time to overcome the past and begin fresh. Maybe my mom couldn't do it (although she is notably doing a hundred percent better than before), but I can. I'm still young and there's a lot that I want to do.

So, in honor of starting fresh, I had my "Last Supper" today. That is, last supper in terms of junk. I'm a waitress on the side, and last night was a horrible, with a capital H, night at work. The combination of stress and not eating all night from not getting a break (too busy in conjunction with the dishwasher walking out) resulted in me taking home a gargantuan slice of our chocolate layer cake. Now, this thing is massive. So massive that I ate half last night, and had to finish the other half today. I didn't want to waste the thing, as we're in a recession, and I didn't want to throw away any of the $4 that I spent on that ridiculous thing.

So, I finished it off this morning. And you know what? I feel sick now. Was it worth it? Not at all. I could have had one bite and that would have satisfied me. I guess your eyes can be bigger than your stomach at times.

Yup, this is the assailant. Don't say I didn't warn you.

So, I ask, how is it possible to put the past behind you and start fresh on your own? It's easy for someone on the outside to say "You have to want it." But those of us actually in the situation know the truth. We do want it, more than anyone could ever know. Sometimes it just feels so hopeless. And people telling you that you don't want it enough just makes it worse. No one is inside your head. Everyone is different. Everyone has a different thought process, and no one person in particular knows how difficult it can be for one person. Rather than getting frustrated, we need to support one another. When a person is mentally ready, everything will come together and they will be strong enough to overcome it. I guess time will tell if this time will be the charm.